


it takes an adult to survive

by Anonymous



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Choi Jongho-centric, Gen, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27082186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Some members would regress, others would take care of them, and Choi Jongho would leave the dorms with haunted eyes.It was a natural and reoccurring cycle that the members had never once questioned.
Relationships: Choi Jongho & Choi San, Choi Jongho & Everyone, Choi Jongho & Jeong Yunho, Choi Jongho & Jung Wooyoung, Choi Jongho & Kang Yeosang, Choi Jongho & Kim Hongjoong, Choi Jongho & Park Seonghwa, Choi Jongho & Song Mingi
Comments: 36
Kudos: 217
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

The leader had been frowning at his plate all-throughout dinner, begrudgingly taking miniscule spoonfuls of food. 

Hongjoong had been forced to come to the dorms early by an adamant Seonghwa. The eldest didn't want him losing anymore sleep spending time on countlessly perfected tracks. All the other members had been in agreement, but its evident that the leader was now in a bad mood. 

It takes the smallest sound of a babble to alert all the members at the the table. 

Yunho and Mingi are already ready to counter the sound of cries with witty jokes. Seonghwa is at Hongjoong's side immediately to offer comforting ministrations.

Jongho doesn't bother seeing the actions of the other members because he's already up on wobbly limbs and on his way out the door.

"Where are you going?"

The door slams in response.

* * *

Jongho blows on the warm coffee that swims listfully in the styrofoam cup. He considers downing it in one go despite its high temperatures but decides to let the heat transfer to his cold finger tips.

He's probably waited long enough now - if his runny nose and shivering bones are anything to go by - but he can't bring himself to walk back to the dorm.

Jongho had been too obvious. 

Though, to be honest, it was stupid to think that the members hadn't already noticed it.

How he left whenever Hongjoong, Wooyoung, or Mingi regressed. More importantly, they must've noticed how he felt about it. He had never been able to hide his expressions well from his members.

Jongho gulps down some of the drink wrapped in his hands. Despite his choice to wait for it to cool down, the warmth still runs down his throat and settles in his chest. 

He honestly wants to focus on anything other than going back right now, but knows his feet will still find their way back home.

Jongho looks down mournfully at the bitter remainder of his drink and wishes he had gone for something sweeter. Then he shivers slightly as his thoughts backtrack, knowing getting anything sweeter would've been unlike him.

He downs the rest of the black coffee, crumples the foam packaging and throws it towards a nearby bin.

The deformed cup bounces on the edge of the bin, before projecting backwards and landing onto the frosty floor. 

Jongho stares at it for a few seconds and feels a sense of anger wash over him before subsiding. 

Then he bends to pick it up and hover the object that had now become litter over the cylinder where more rubbish lay.

He drops it inside and turns to walk towards the dorms, ignoring the annoying prick behind his eyes.

* * *

"I'm back." Jongho announces. He is met with silence and walks further into the room.

On the deserted dinner table, Jongho sees his phone and curses. His absence of a phone when he left so suddenly would surely make his members worry.

He picks up the blinking device with scorn, knowing it's the sole reason he'll get in trouble once he runs into any of his hyungs.

Though Jongho doesn't know exactly how long he'd been out, the time that his phone flashes back at him doesn't bode well. It must've been well over 4 hours. 

As if on cue, Hongjoong walks in and pauses when he sees Jongho. 

Funnily enough, Jongho hopes the leader is still in a regressive state but the hard glare that's sent his way tells him otherwise. 

There's no way he'd still be little after all this time. 

"Where have you been?" 

Jongho winces at Hongjoong's raised voice.

"Sorry hyung, I just needed some air-"

"For 5 hours?!"

Jongho shrinks in on himself. He could hear the other's member's footsteps coming down the stairs. From the sound of the footfalls, it was likely all of them had come down. 

"I lost track of-"

"Do you know how worried everyone was?! I know you like to leave the dorm at times which is why we agreed that you should at least bring your phone!"

Jongho feels a hot flush run up his neck. He knows he's at fault since they had agreed on that. But Hongjoong kept cutting him off and the prying eyes of the other member's witnessing him getting scolded makes a rageful embarrassment run through him.

He can't believe he's getting shouted at by someone who had babbled and cried like a child earlier in the day.

"So what, you get to pick and choose when to act like your older?!"

Hongjoong blinks and the anger in his eyes seems to hesitate. "What do you mean-"

"You know what I mean! It's fucking embarrassing! Don't start acting like the leader when you can't even hold yourself back from going into little space and babbling like some child!"

Jongho's eyes narrow. "Stop treating me like a kid. I'm not you."

Hongjoong's entire body stiffens and his face goes bright red. His eyes immediately fall to the ground and shame seems to rack his body. 

The sight makes Jongho pause, he had never seen the leader so mortified.

Seonghwa, who had likely been watching the exchange from upstairs, pushes past Jongho and comes to Hongjoong within seconds. 

Jongho stumbles back a little and watches as Hongjoong jerks away from Seonghwa's comforting embrace.

The eldest's eyes harden at the boy's obvious attempt to avoid de-aging, and spins fiercely to face Jongho.

"Why the hell would you say something like that to him?!"

Jongho's eyes flit away when Seonghwa gets aggressively close, but he stands his ground.

"I was only-"

"Go to your room."

Jongho's eyes widen and his stomach churns painfully. His head pauses in a brief empty whiteness.

Then he fixes the fiercest glare he can muster onto his face. 

"Do. Not. Baby me." Jongho practically growls.

Jongho had always tried to leave before he witnessed his members being looked after. But in all the time he'd spent with his group, he obviously couldn't have avoided hearing a few whispers of caretakers talking sweetly and cooingly to regressed members.

He would always scoff, knowing he'd never let anyone talk to him like that.

And now, Seonghwa is here telling him to go to his room.

As if he's some fucked up little. 

Jongho feels sick.

Before the eldest can respond with his own hurtful whip of the tongue, Hongjoong bursts out crying.

Seonghwa immediately forgets Jongho and goes to calm the hicupping boy. He can barely make out audibly sentences. 

Jongho watches the scene with terrible dread. His words had been hurtful, yes. But it was what his hyung needed to hear.

Age-regressing. It wasn't safe. 

"Get him out of here." Jongho snaps out of his daze upon hearing Seonghwa's scorn-filled voice "Hongjoong says he wants him to leave."

Suddenly, the youngest is reminded of the others who'd been watching all these events unfold. They all avoid his eyes when he turns to look at them.

Jongho bites down on his tongue. 

Mingi finally steps forward, likely making the decision since he's Jongho's roommate. But his eyes dart widely around the room, and his bottom lip trembles fearfully. 

Yunho stops Mingi from geting closer. His gaze is hard and unreadable but Jongho can practically invision what his eyes say, either way.

_'Don't you dare go near him.'_

Jungho could act like the sudden alienation didn't hurt but that would be a lie.

It's obvious Yunho had stepped forward as Mingi's caretaker. So is the blatant shielding he gives the other littles as he leads Jongho away and up to his room.

Like some criminal. 

Jongho decides to stay quiet and Yunho doesn't talk as they walk up the stairs. 

When they get to the top floor, Yunho starts speed walking down the corridor. Then he stops infront of a door and quickly twists the knob to hold it open.

Jongho stares at the other for a while before registering that its the door to his room.

Yunho runs a hand through his hair in irritation and impatience.

"Can you just get in?" Yunho sighs exasperatedly. "I don't really want to deal with you right now if it wasn't obvious, Jongho."

The flames that spit from Yunho's mouth burn and scab at Jongho's skin. He shuffles into his room to get out of it's direct fire. 

He didn't understand why everyone was so angry as if he needed to apologise. What he had said is the truth.

But of course they wouldn't know, ignorantly regressing whenever they felt like it.

They were too carefree.

They didn't know what Jongho knew.

Jongho spun around, urgent for his members to understand, for them to stop being mad at him. 

"Hyung, I-"

The door slams shut and Jongho jumps at the sound. 

He takes in a breath and feels like he can hear the air fill his lungs.

Then Jongho starts to panic.

Yunho had closed the door with the lights off, 

Leaving Jongho in a pitch black room.

His breath catches in his throat.

It wasn't like he was afraid of the dark. Jongho wasn't a child. It wasn't like-

It wasn't like Seonghwa's hateful glare and his members' shunning, upset him. 

Or the way Yunho had slammed the door in his face. 

Shrouding him in darkness.

Jongho isn't scared. Or upset. 

But he scrambles forward and scratches at the door. The delicate shavings of wood cave underneath his fingernails and chip away. He feels them roll underneath his nails but can't care less about the discomfort.

For some reason he can't find the doorknob. He can't do something as simple as find the knob to free himself from this pitch black cell. 

Jongho has made the members angry at him before (but never this much). And he's been in darkness much scarier than this before.

But he's never panicked this much. It's never felt this horrible. And-

"Oh, God" Jongho chokes. That's when it clicks. 

It's one of those days.

He should've known when he thought for even a second he would've preferred a sweeter drink compared to his usual straight black coffee. Or with how he got so frustratingly emotional in failing to throw his coffee cup into the bin. And now him panicking in the dark with his thoughts rampant and breath wild.

Jongho bites his lip, hard. He takes in what he hopes are steady breaths.

He had managed not to do it all those other times and so he wouldn't do it now. 

It didn't matter how much the glares of his hyungs unforgivingly pierce the makings of his heart. 

Jongho ignores the claws of darkness that grip then fall away from his skin, leaving deep gashes in their wake. He stumbles forward dumbly, reaching his hands in front of him to try and find his bed.

Once he feels a familiar softness, he coos thankfully.

Jongho rips his hands away from the sheets of his bed, disgusted with himself.

He can't believe how stupid he's being. He can't have himself wrapped under the soft lull of covers when he's like this.

He hadn't realised the shortness of his breaths but quickly adjusts them the moment he does.

Jongho's eyes survey the darkness, wary of peering phantoms that could've heard his slight slip in state.

He immediately scolds the childish thought.

Jongho knows the only way to counter the growing need to throw up is to go to sleep.

He finds the nearest wall and rests his back against it, before letting himself slide to the floor. Jongho didn't think he'd get any real sleep in this position, but the moment his body is met with strong support, his brain finally registers the exhaustion wearing down his bones and mind.

Jongho blinks slowly. Once, then twice.

He lets himself fall asleep, finding bitter comfort in the fact that he is still his age. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I made it pretty obvious but can you guess what exactly is wrong with Jongho?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *PLEASE READ END NOTES FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS*

Jongho slaps away the hand that shakes him. 

A wince sounds. 

He opens his eyes but is met with blaring light, forcing them shut them at the feeling of his retina burning.

Jongho squints his eyes open after a few seconds of recovery and blinks a few times to become aware of his surroundings.

Yeosang is standing over him.

Jongho clambers up from his sprawled position on the floor. He sucks in a wince at the strain of his back muscles. 

The other boy looks irritated, clutching a hand to his chest.

Jongho stands there trying to clear his head, fatiguing exhaustion and the burn of his muscles making his brain blurry. 

He narrows his eyes on the hand being cradled in Yeosang's arm and his mess of thoughts finally decides upon forming an apology for the assault on his waker.

"Why were you sleeping on the floor?" Yeosang frowns, rubbing his sore hand. 

Jongho blinks and closes his mouth. 

"Uh, it was dark. And... " Jongho mutters and his voice falls away. He keeps his eyes focused on his feet. Shame pools into his gut and blisters his insides. He knows it isn't possible, but Jongho can't help but feel his derail into panic last night was already known and Yeosang's question was a simple mocking of his fright. 

"Yeah, okay, whatever." Yeosang sighs, as if it's too much of a hassle to ask any more. An apology bubbles in Jongho's throat at the blatant display of annoyance but he bites his lip. He feels himself choke on it.

"We're going out by the way." 

Jongho stiffens and for the first time notices Yeosang's loose outfit. Jongho clenched his fists, recognising the set of clothes immediately. 

It's the outfit he reserves for dance practice. They're going without him. 

Yeosang squints his eyes and he seems to realise that Jongho knows almost immediately. 

"You already know the moves to the dance anyway. The rest of the members... We just wanted to go over them." Yeosang shuffles awkwardly at Jongho's dismayed expression. 

"We always go together, though... Even if some of the members knows the moves better." Jongho doesn't know why he's pushing for it so much, if anything, he should be thankful. Not joining them made avoiding coming to terms with his fight with Hongjoong much easier, not to mention the slight pulsing pain in his back. 

Yeosang sighs as if he's holding back from rolling his eyes.

It hurts slightly, to know that Jongho's made a person as kind and forgiving as Yeosang, hate him. 

"Listen Jongho, we want a rest day. It's something we've already been planning before but with how tense it is right now, we can't bring the problem along with us when we need a break." 

Why is Jongho the problem here? 

Everything had just been building up like fire inside of him. The smoke had been gagging and choking him incessantly as the days passed. Whether he wanted it to or not, it was only a matter of time before that smoke spread and clogged the lungs of his members. 

They're angry. They don't even need to say it, because Jongho could feel it radiating off each and every member. The feeling of deep loathing and disgust. They hate him.

Even though he didn't tell a single lie.

Jongho wishes he had just let himself choke and burn. 

"Is everyone--Are you all leaving...?" Jongho hates the wobble of his voice that betrays his fear. He'd rather be exposed to his members hate and understand just how angry they are, than be left alone with the relentless horrors of his imagination. "What am I supposed to do, then?" 

"I don't know." Yeosang turns towards the door, already done with the conversation. "Just stay here and-" 

"Wait...!" Jongho grabs the other's arm but steps back seeing the annoyed look on Yeosang's face. 

"I don't wanna-" Jongho feels tears spring to his eyes at the slight slip-up. " _want to._ I don't want to."

His body trembles at how close he is to the edge.

He's been making too many mistakes lately. Jongho's body trembles. After all this time, the urge should be gone. 

Yeosang rolls his eyes in response. "You say you're not a child but here you are acting like a brat." Yeosang shrugs Jongho off and heads towards the door quickly. "Nothing good would come out of you going with us anyway."

Yeosang's steps slow as he nears the door, he turns towards Jongho with a softened expression. "We just... What you said was really hurtful." Yeosang bites his lip. "We all need some time. Please, just give us some time."

Jongho digs his fingers into his palms in scolding of the burn behind his eyes and nods. 

It's silent for a while and neither person moves. Jongh can't bring himself to look at the other. 

"Just... " Yeosang starts and Jongho's eyes snap up. "Did you mean it...?" 

Jongho's mouth goes dry and he balks at the fearful question. "What...?" 

Yeosang's eyes narrow at the youngest's attempt to evade. "Insulting Hongjoong for regressing. Calling it embarrassing with such a disgusted expression." Yeosang's voice is harsh as it's volume raises with his anger. "All of that...! Did you _mean_ it?" 

"I..." Jongho can't bring himself to say any more but he knows he doesn't need to. His expression says more than enough. 

Yeosang's eyes widen in disbelief. As if he had been holding some type of hope that there was no way Jongho, one of his members, people he cherished so dearly, could be such a horrible person. 

Jongho feels so wronged at the look of betrayal that's being directed at him. But the sight of Yeosang's dampening eyes makes his self-hate throb much stronger than anything else he could feel. 

Then, almost immediately after, all signs of emotion erase from the other's face and something much deeper than hatred shines through. 

The door slams shut. 

Despite the fluorescence of sunlight that touches every corner of his room. Jongho, just like yesterday, is trapped in darkness. 

* * *

Jongho places a hand over his stomach.

He had managed to make himself something small- as much as his hands were willing to work - but his body kept trembling in the silence of the empty dorm that held memories of last night's events. 

The pain in his gut had only became known a few minutes ago so it wasn't too bad, but it did nothing to calm the torrent of his thoughts. 

He settles further into the couch in front of the TV, sighing at how the comfort soothes his sore muscles. 

Jongho hopes he won't have to sleep on the floor ever again. 

His eyes flutter, the bat of eyelashes on his cheeks the only thing keeping him awake. The fear of sleeping in the empty building weighs on Jongho's mind (much more than it should). 

In defiance of his immature agitation, Jongho forces himself under the lull of sleep and doesn't let up until it drowns him. 

* * *

_Everything is so quiet and so loud in the familiar room._

_Jongho doesn't know if its because the world has stopped or its really just him, trapped inside a space in time._

_It smells like honey, the same way it always has. The scent doesn't come from the room's fragrance, but rather the resident that lives inside of it._

_Honey, the smell that Jongho had always attributed to this room, his one true safe place. His one true safe person._

_It must just be him, frozen in time._

_Because it goes on, and on. Never ending, never ceasing._

_It doesn't stop._

_When will it stop?_

_It's a battle of the mind._

_His logic and reason curl in disgust at the feel of hands hands hands-_

_They thrash t_ _o be let out, to get him out. Away. Safe. Jongho wants to be safe. To get away from the smell of honey._

_But his naivety wants to stay, protect him in a different way. Shield his eyes with childish ignorance, never wanting to understand what is happening to him right now, what the hands are doing. What the safeness of honey had now become._

_He is already being stripped of his dignity. Losing any more of that blissful innocence. Jongho can't imagine anything more frightening._

_So he lets it go on and on. Asking for it to stop, but not doing anything to make it happen._

_When Jongho speaks, his speech is divided. Like his mind._

_"Jjong doesn't like this game-"_

_"What the hell are you doing-"_

_"P'ease, it hurts-"_

_"God, stop-"_

_Both sides fight for control, they rip apart everything they can. His mind, his speech, his thoughts, his body._

_But the large hands are the most painful thing - touching, grabbing, hurting. There to guide the tearing of his being._

_Even now, the smell of honey wafts mockingly at him._

_-_

Hands are on his shoulders.

Jongho almost screams but bites his tongue.

His limbs thrash wildly in his defenceless position. He moves to stand but gets pushed down almost immediately.

Jongho gasps on a choked sob. 

He's meant to be alone. He's meant to be alone. The dorm is empty and his hyungs left him alone.

He's supposed to be alone. And yet he isn't.

But Jongho should be able to fight back. He should be safe. He's mature. He's himself. He's not a child.

But the hands are pushing him down and they're strong. And Jongho's back is pressed against the couch in a vulnerable position.

His breath fails to bring him any more oxygen and he's left gasping frantically for some air. 

He's weak, vulnerable, no different than a useless child-

"Jongho! What the hell?!"

Jongho's eyes snap open at Yunho's voice.

The tension that racked his body leaks away almost immediately at the sight of his hyung's worried face.

He almost cries in overwhelming relief. 

A smile unknowingly makes it way onto his face and he suddenly feels ridiculous for the quick-paced thump of his heart.

Jongho leans forward, seeking Yunho's warmth. "Hyung..." He breathes in relief.

Yunho steps back in shock, evading the advance. Jongho's body goes rigid when he realises what he's done.

He's supposed to be the member that hates skinship.

Jongho shoots up to stand and nudges past Yunho. 

"Why-" He takes a breath hearing the tremble in his voice. "Why are you here?"

"Why wouldn't we be here?"

Jongho whips his head around towards Wooyoung who scofs. He's immediately aware of the other members present in the room and pales.

Had they all seen how he freaked out?

Jongho fights the desire to curl up and disappear under the scrutiny of their eyes. He looks down at his hands and tries to stop them from shaking.

"Jongho, are you okay?"

Jongho's eyes widen at Yunho's question. "W-What...?"

"You looked like you were having a nightmare... And when I woke you up, you panicked." Yunho stated awkwardly. 

"Oh..."

The silence that follows is sickening. 

"I... I think I should..." Jongho bites his lip and turns to go back upstairs.

"Sit down."

Jongho freezes at the sound of Hongjoong's stern voice. He can't bring himself to look the leader in his eyes. Not after yesterday. 

He gulps, then simply nods and goes back towards the couch, keeping his eyes low to not see his hyung's expressions.

Jongho finds some solace in how his body dips into the seat and the material hugs at him.

"While we were out, we talked." Mingi starts. "Last night... It wasn't like you."

Jongho almost scoffs. They don't know anything. 

San narrows his eyes. "What we're saying is we want an explanation of why you said what you said."

Despite the lack of food in his stomach, Jongho's gut churns in nauseating desire to empty itself bare.

Seonghwa who had kept quiet, finally looks at him and Jongho shivers at the icy glare.

"So talk." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: BRIEF MENTIONS OF RAPE


	3. Chapter 3

Air forces its way into his mouth in a rushed manner. He almost feels annoyed with its unyielding urgency in providing him with life. 

Its irritating how focused he is on his breathing. His mind is invasively awake, forcing him to take a breath only when he thinks of it. 

He thinks, and then does, and then air is dragged wistfully into his lungs. And he has to think again to let the air run out. And if he attempts, even for a second, to not have his mind strung up on the flow of his breathing, the air doesn't come, and his lungs halt.

He has to will himself to breathe. 

Jongho can't think of anything more tiring. 

"Well?!" Wooyoung shouts. Jongho flinches as he's pulled out of his irrelevant thoughts. "Are you going to say something?!"

Jongho feels guilty for how his thoughts had wandered when all his members had been patiently (maybe not so patiently) waiting for him to speak.

Jongho feels apologising would be the correct thing to do, but he isn't sure what for.

For spacing out? For what happened yesterday? Even if they don't know now, they would soon want an apology for him leaving ever time one of them regressed. Maybe an apology for ever stepping foot in this dorm, or auditioning for KQ in the first place, dreaming of being an idol, being so stupid that he placed trust in the scent of honey-

"Sorry." Jongho breathes out, overwhelmed with the derail of his thoughts. "I'm sorry."

The apology feels bitter on his tongue. Jongho decides he doesn't want to know which one he's sorry for. Maybe all of them.

Wooyoung scoffs. Jongho frowns knowing he's unable to quell the other's anger with such an ambiguous apology.

"No one wants your empty apologies!" Jongho shrinks in his seat.

San taps Wooyoung's thigh gently. "Don't shout. It's supposed to be a civil conversation."

Wooyoung almost looks wronged with the baffled expression he shoots at his friend. "Why should we be?!" He turns his fiery gaze back to Jongho. "He had so much shit to say yesterday! Now, he thinks he can come down here and put on some scared act so we'll leave him alone!"

"Wooyoung." The boy in question freezes at Hongjoong's scolding voice. "At least let him speak first. I know you're angry but you weren't the only one insulted. Which is why we agreed on having a _talk,_ not a shouting match."

Wooyoung pouts at the telling-off but nods calmly. "Right. Sorry, hyung."

Jongho bites his lip. Despite, how he insulted Hongjoong before, the other always makes sure to act as a stern and fair leader. It's one of the things Jongho had always admired about his hyung. Learning the truth of that same inspiring person being a little came as a dreadful blow.

"Jongho. Even though we want to give you time to collect your thoughts, it'd be nice if you could say something." Hongjoong states cooly.

The leader's professional and level-headed approach is shocking and, though much more reassuring than anger, its somewhat upsetting.

This is an act reserved for formalities. Hongjoong always handily uses this approach when the situation calls for it. And despite the gentle expression he wears, Jongho know that compared to how he acts around the members, it's uncomfortable, unfamiliar, cold.

It's like a stern declaration. That this alienating and detactched side of the leader is the type of treatment Jongho deserves.

Jongho inhales deeply. He hates feeling sorry for himself. No matter what happens, if he inspects deeply to the root of the cause, he's sure he'll find himself always at fault.

"About yesterday..." Their ears all perk when he starts talking and Jongho looks down. He should try being as honest as possible, then maybe they'll forgive him easier. "Uh, I guess I was embarrassed about being scolded in front of everyone."

He dares a look to gauge their expressions before snapping his eyes back down. Their features are all pulled taut, and brows are furrowed. His members don't seem satisfied with that explanation. 

"Do you think that's a good enough excuse to-" 

"Hold on, San." Seonghwa interrupts. Jongho doesn't want to know what type of face the eldest has on. "Did you think it was wrong of Hongjoong to scold you?" 

"N-no! I was just in a bad mood. And it's not like I stayed out till late and forgot my phone on purpose. Time just got away from me." Jongho frowns. He doesn't want to have to explain himself. "I wanted time to myself. Is that so wrong?" 

"No..." Yunho pauses as if having to organise his thoughts before continuing. "But a bad mood... Its not really enough reason to shout at hyung the way you did."

There's no explanation to provide for that. Jongho is sure the words his members want to hear is that he didn't mean what he said and he never would. But how can he say something like that? He does want their forgiveness, but not by outright lying to them.

"That's because he meant it."

Jongho narrows his eyes at the carpeted floor. His fists clench, letting his nails create moon-like crevices in his palms. He knew Yeosang would say something at some point.

"What do you mean?" Mingi's voice is skeptical.

"Sure, let's say he was in a bad mood. But alot of us have been irratable before and have never said _anything_ like that. Whether he meant for us to hear it or not, what Jongho said is the way he _really_ feels about age regressors, about us."

Jongho bites his lip. Even though his words should've only really insulted Mingi, Wooyoung and Hongjoong - them being the only littles in the group - Yeosang seems to take the words as an attack towards all of them.

"Jongho, is that-" 

The questions were too much. 

"It's true."

"Seriously?!" Wooyoung laughs in disbelief. "Can't you meet our eyes instead of looking away like a coward?"

Jongho shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. God, he needs to control his breathing. 

_Think, breathe in._

"Jongho." Mingi's voice is forcefully even. The amount of effort put in to sound unnerved is blatantly obvious. "Every single time you left the dorm..."

_Think, breathe out._

"It was because of us wasn't it? Because someone was regressing."

Jongho couldn't focus on the question that sounded more like a statement, much less forming a proper answer, or the silence that descended upon the room at the revelation. He could only focus on filling his lungs with oxygen. 

_Think, breathe in._

"Jongho. I can't believe you-"

"Why would he leave-"

"Do you really have a problem with us-"

_Think-_ _Think, breath out._

"Why the hell can't you answer us-" 

"What's wrong with him-" 

"Jongho! What's your problem-" 

_Breathe-_

"Leave." 

That single word impales Jongho like a knife, and the pain forcefully tugs him from his thoughts. It takes his breath away. 

"W-What?" Jongho finally looks up. He can't help the shudder that racks his body at the sight of Seonghwa's cold, detatched eyes.

Those glacier orbs narrow. "We know how you feel about us now. This is supposed to be a safe place so we can't be with someone intolerant like you."

"Wait, you can't-"

"It'd be the best solution for you aswell. Since you hate being around us so much."

"Seonghwa..." Hongjoong starts carefully. 

Jongho shakes his head frantically and stands up on unstable, tired limbs. "You can't just-- Why are you-- You're kicking me out of the group just because of-"

"It's not _just_ because of anything. Don't try to act like your actions were trivial." Jongho balks at the hateful glare Seonghwa directs at him. "And no, not kicking you out. But I'll ask the manager about you staying somewhere else. That way everyone can be comfortable."

No, he can't.The moment they make him leave, they'll never want to see him again. And Jongho can't be alone. He needs his members. 

"That's not- That's not fair!" Jongho's sure his nails have drawn blood from his palms at this point. "I don't want to leave. Please don't make me."

Seonghwa looks away and Jongho's heart sinks. He scrambles to form a proper sentence.

"I won't - I won't do it again. I swear!" Jongho gasps out. He never should've said anything in the first place. Even if the sight of his member's regressing made him sick, even if he had to leave the dorms each time for some form of solace, he should've just kept quiet. He should've suffered quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry! I'll never say anything like that again, hyung-"

"It doesn't matter because that's how you really feel!" Seonghwa's raised voice makes him flinch. "There's no point in pretending. Even if you're sorry or regret saying it. No one here wants to stay with someone who thinks that way."

Jongho chokes back a sob and his vision blurs. "Please...! Please, hyung!"

Jongho painfully rips his fingernails from the crevices in his palms and grabs onto Seonghwa's arm in a frenzy.

"What-- Let go...!"

"Wait! Wait! Please wait!" Jongho tugs him back and can't hold back the sobs that rack his body. His breathing is wild and erratic but Jongho can't focus on that. He needs to explain. He needs to make his hyungs understand, or else they'll get rid of him. "I only did it because its not safe!"

"Not safe...? Jongho what-"

"I-I couldn't stay. It makes me so sick that I want to throw up. It makes my head hurt like it's gonna explode and-and I can't breathe. And... And I didn't want to remember it! So I left every time!"

"What the hell is he talking about?"

Jongho can't catch his breath. They still don't believe him. They're going to throw him away. He's so useless.

"No, no. Please, Jong is-" Jongho gasps at the obvious mistake. He grips Seonghwa's arm tighter. "Oh God, I won't--I won't say it again. I was scared. It was scary."

Jongho can barely explain himself. "Scary...! It's scary and-"

"Jongho! Calm down and explain."

Jongho desperately swings his head from side to side. He can't. He can't. They need to understand. If he stops then they'll leave him alone. "No...! I'm sorry!"

His chest constricts and his cries are forced out. It pushes down painfully on his lungs, not leaving any space for him to breathe.

"P'ease don't leave me alone. I- I'm so so'ry."

Jongho tries to steel himself. He's so close to the edge "P'ease. Pl-P'ease don't make m-me leave. Jong- I want to stay! Let me stay!"

He heaves and his breathing fails him. He doesn't know which one to focus on. His breathing, staying his age, explaining to his hyungs. It's too much. His head hurts. 

"-ho! Jongho!"

Jongho's eyes widen when he relises someone is hugging him. He gasps and tries to get away.

"Its okay. Calm down. Just breathe, okay?" 

Hongjoong is the one hugging him. Jongho practically collapses in his arms. 

"I-I... P'ease don't send me away..."

Hongjoong shushes him and sits him down, still holding onto him. "We won't. We won't. Just rest for now. You look exhausted."

The leader stands and Jongho's eyes widen at the action. They were going to desert him while he sleeps. 

Hongjoong seems to sense his worry, and immediately sits back down. "Okay. I'll stay don't worry. Just rest, Jongho."

Fatigue washes down on him as Hongjoong starts running a hand through his hair. His exhausted mind can't think of a reason to refuse the call of sleep. 

* * *

"But that doesn't make any sense."

"Why else would he have acted like that?"

"What if he was faking it...?"

"..."

"You can't fake a panic attack like that."

"... I-I went too far." 

"You can't blame yourself, Seonghwa. No one could've known." 

Jongho softly groans. The voices that undeniably belong to his members stir him awake.

When his eyes open, all attention is turned towards him. He blinks in confusion.

Jongho sits upright, uncomfortable with their skeptical and concerned gazes.

"Are you hungry?"

Jongho's eyebrows furrow at Seonghwa's question, but rather than explaining anything more to him, the eldest just places a dish on his lap. 

"Here you go."

His members watch him unnervingly and Jongho doesn't know what to do. Hadn't they been angry at him? How did he end up falling asleep?

Rather than throwing the act of kindness in their faces and making them hateful towards him again, Jongho decides to pick up the spoon given to him and raises the food to his lips.

"Eat more." Yunho smiles gently. Jongho stops himself from tearing up at the contrast to his vexed expression yesterday. "You probably haven't eaten all day."

He gingerly takes another spoonful of food. 

"Well done, baby. Try more." San comments and Jongho almost smiles.

Then a frown makes its way onto his face when he realises what they're doing. "Don't do that."

"Don't do what?" San looks confused and Jongho isn't sure if he can eat any more.

"You're treating me like a child. Stop it."

San's eyes widen and he shares a look with Wooyoung. All of them seem shocked at Jongho's words.

He narrows his eyes. He's missing something, something they're all aware of.

Hongjoong levels his gaze with a concerned expression. "Jongho..."

"Why did you never tell us you're an age regressor?"

Jongho's body locks up on instinct. He sets the dish aside with shaky hands.

"Jongho, its okay we-"

He stands and runs. He knows his legs won't be able to take him far so-

Jongho hunches above the bin and gags loudly. His stomach empties itself painfully. Its as if it wants to get rid of everything, leaving nothing behind.

His body jerks as he vomits. He shivers at the disgusting contents that fill the bin. 

When he's finally done, Jongho feels so weak that the only thing he can do is fall backwards. But there's a supporting force behind him that doesn't let him collide with the ground.

"Jongho! Are you okay?"

Jongho doesn't respond and Yunho rubs his back comfortingly. He practically carries him back to the couch after he calms down.

Jongho fiddles with his fingers and mumbles out an apology. "I... S-Sorry. I wasn't feeling well and..." He tries to think of an excuse. "It...! It must've been something I ate." 

The silence he receives shows they don't believe him. 

"But I'm not." He fumbles. "I'm not a little."

Mingi frowns. "What do you mean? Before you fell asleep you were showing signs of regression."

Jongho face burns hot with humiliation. 

"Is it because you're ashamed of it...?" Yeosang queries carefully. "That's why you insulted Hongjoong?"

Jongho bites his lip. He doesn't know what to say. They already know everything. Like an idiot, he's exposed himself.

Wooyoung catches his hand and lifts it up to be put on display. "Did you hurt yourself...?" The other's voice is laced with disbelief.

Jongho snatches his hand back and covers the already healing nail marks. "I didn't--I didn't want to... regress, so I..."

His embarrassment runs piping hot at the shocked looks on their faces. He looks down.

Seonghwa crouches down infront of Jongho and takes his hands into his own. "Oh, Jongho... You shouldn't have to do that."

"N-No. I have to." He countered with a trembling voice. "Regressing is bad."

Seonghwa rubs his hands comfortingly and Jongho's tense muscles relax. "Why do you think that? Did someone tell you it's bad...?"

"No one told me. I just know."

"Why do you know, hm? Can you tell me that, baby?"

Jongho pauses at the endearing name, but doesn't say anything about it. He shakes his head. "It's hard..."

"It's hard to talk about it?" Seonghwa fills in the gaps. Jongho is thankful for his comforting patience.

He nods hesitantly. Jongho takes a few minute breaths then finally looks up to face the other members. 

"But... I want you to know."

_Just how dangerous it is to regress._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to use words like 'sowwy' to show little talk since I want to uphold a serious feel in the story. So I use apostrophes instead to show that there are breaks in pronunciation. For example "p'ease"
> 
> I hope that wasn't confusing.
> 
> It's also really hard to describe panicking thoughts or a panic attack in words. I think I need to work on that but hopefully it's enough for now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING: DETAILED MENTIONS OF RAPE*

_He breathes in deeply and sighs dreamily._

_The air flows differently here. It swirls and floats in a flurry, forever dancing to a happy tune. Jongho doesn't even think to question such a ridiculous notion since it seems to just be law: anything and everything in this place is eternally happy. It's like an unquestionable truth._

_And so, when Jongho breathes, that same joyful air fills him up to the brim and encompasses his being. It makes his lungs expand - desperate for that sensation of erratic euphoria - and his heart thrum so ecstatically that his chest hurts._

_The man laughs charmingly and Jongho's body warms, causing his cheeks to take on a red flush._

_"What?" He fills his cheeks up with air in a huff. Its an action the man had noted before with great endearment, and so Jongho finds himself doing it often. "What's so funny?"_

_The man laughs again. The sound lightens the atmosphere and lets it float on clouds. "I've never heard anyone say I smell like honey before."_

_Jongho drags his bottom lip under a row of teeth at the other's teasing tone. "Well you do. And it's a compliment."_

_The smile that stretches across the man's face illuminates all of his features in a warm glow. "You're so cute~"_

_Jongho's face burns hotter and his heart flurries._

_He thinks again, dreamily, of how happy this little place is._

* * *

"He was the caretaker my parents hired." Jongho makes a point to look at each one of his members before continuing. "They were too busy with work and were worried about me not having time to regress if someone wasn't with me 24/7."

"You had a caretaker...?" Mingi says almost pensively. Jongho has never seen his member so engrossed in his thoughts.

Jongho nods. "I hated the idea at first since I had only recently found out about being a... l-little." Vices clench strongly in his gut at the title, but he ignores the churn in his stomach. "But he was a really amazing person. I couldn't help but warm up to him."

"And I guess you'd call it a crush...? But I know I definitely felt safest with him." Jongho looks down in embarrassment. It was something much too innocent to be put into words. Not romance or love, but something much more deep and complicated. A feeling akin to adoration, a bewitching captivation - something reserved for the one person in the world Jongho felt he could be himself with.

Wooyoung leans forward as if desperate to listen and hums in acknowledgement. "So, what happened?"

Jongho falters, hesitant to continue before answering. "He started acting strangely. And it didn't feel that safe anymore."

He chews on the inside of his cheek. "But I ignored the signs. Because I didn't want to acknowledge the possibility of my safe place being taken away."

* * *

_"Say..." The man starts. He pauses, waiting for Jongho's full attention to be on him. The man smiles and Jongho notices, again, that he's a person that likes people to hang in suspense of every word that forms on his tongue. Attention that the boy is ready to give him in a heartbeat._

_"You've been here for most of the day. And you still haven't regressed."_

_Jongho stops to think, and then chuckles. "Oh yeah, I guess I haven't." He smiles at the other and feels his blood warm his body. "I think it's because I feel comfortable with you either way."_

_Jongho bites his lip and peeks up to gauge the other's reaction to his heartfelt confession._

_"That's too bad..." The man sighs. Jongho feels his heart sink. "I like you more when you're little."_

_Jongho blinks, slightly hurt by how the man just stamped on his sincere profession of security. "W-What?"_

_The man smiles simply, unbothered by the boy's hurt. "What I mean is, you're way cuter like that." His eyes crinkle as if he's reminiscing. "You're so naive and innocent, only being able to rely on me. It's adorable."_

_Jongho frustratingly blushes at the man's cooing. "Don't make fun of me."_

_"Never~" His voice takes on a teasing lilt._

_The man crouches in front of him and squishes his cheeks. "Come on, baby. For me?"_

_Jongho moans in annoyance and gently slaps the hands away. "No, I don't feel like it right now." He turns to put some distance between them and hide his flushed face._

_A hand harshly encloses around his wrist. Jongho gasps at the sudden pain and whips his head back around._

_He freezes at the sight of the man's hardened eyes, so different from their usual enchanting and gentle alure. Jongho tenses in fear and his words get stuck in his throat._

_Then a second pases, and the cold expression disappears from the man's face, and his eyes crinkle beautifully again. He let's go of Jongho's wrists._

_The man let's out a bellowing laugh at Jongho's frightened expression. "I'm just joking, Jongho. Don't worry about it. But you should've seen your face!"_

_Jongho laughs nervously and rubs his wrist which was gripped much too painfully to be considered a joke._

_"But..." the man tilts his head innocently. "Aren't you going to regress now?"_

_The boy's blood runs cold at the sweet smile accompanied by slightly narrowed eyes. It would take the highest amount of discernment to see the hostility that lies behind that face._

_Jongho shivers._

_"Y-Yeah." He rushes out. "I was starting to feel little anyway."_

_"Yes!" The man claps excitedly. "Okay, just wait a second and I'll get your toys."_ _He stands and turns to rummage inside a box that's allocated for Jongho's toys._

_Jongho stares at the man's back and forcefully calms his erratic heartbeat. He wants to think that he had just imagined the other's sudden switch in attitude. But the pulsing pain in his wrist reveals otherwise._

_Jongho laughs and shakes his head. It was probably an accident. The man likely doesn't know his own strength._

_"You know, you can be pretty scary when you want to be, hyung." Humour is laced in Jongho's tone._

_The man seems to pause on the spot. Then he turns and his wide smile displays something that makes Jongho's skin drench in a cold sweat._

_Satisfaction._

_"Thank you for noticing~"_

* * *

"What the hell...?!" Wooyoung shudders where he sits. "He sounds creepy as fuck."

Jongho smiles forlornly. "Yeah... It was pretty creepy wasn't it...? I guess I didn't realise at the time."

His members share a concerned look. Hongjoong decides to speak up.

"It sounds like he tried to force you to regress." Hongjoong frowns. "Considering he was your caretaker, and how you felt about him-" Jongho coughs at the leader's words but gets ignored. "-It must've felt like a betrayal."

Jongho nods. "Yeah, it definitely felt like that the first time."

"First time?" San quipped in shock. "He did it more than once?!"

Jongho eyes shutter to the ground. "He got more and more obsessed with it. Eventually, he didn't even want to talk while I was big. He only liked the regressed version of me. I was just happy for the attention, and like a fucking idiot I just went along with it like nothing was wrong."

Yeosang places a hand ontop of his. When Jongho looks up at him, the desperation of an apology lies within his eyes.

Jongho offers him a wobbly smile. 

"You couldn't have known. He was taking advantage of-"

"It got so bad that I finally told my parents." Jongho cuts Yeosang off and darts his eyes away. He feels a bit bad but he doesn't want to let anyone defend him. What happened was no ones fault but his own. "But I should've known it wouldn't work. He was such a smooth talker."

Jongho sits back and takes in a breath. " It was honestly impressive. Just a day ago my parents were rageful and concerned for their _poor_ little boy, and the next, they were convinced it was nothing more than a petty tantrum, and forcing me through his door after scolding me. It's not like I can blame them, though. He was just that kind of charming person. Someone people couldn't help but believe."

"I remember being so scared to face him that it took ages before I walked through the door. I knew he definitely heard what I had said about him." 

His members' faces pale as if in fear for him. 

* * *

_Jongho's steps were small and fearful. He tries to close the door behind him quietly, but there's a sudden large weight that slams it shut._

_Jongho tenses but doesn't dare to look behind him._

_"You finally came... I was waiting." The words sound threatening, hostile. And Jongho shudders knowing the man currently had on his gentle smile._

_He gulps but tries not to show his fear. "I don't know what you mean, I came here on time"_

_The man laughs cheerfully. "Right. But I could barely wait to see your cute face."_

_"Oh..." Jongho replies dumbly and follows up with a forced laugh._

_"But Jongho..." The man's voice takes on an upset tone. "Why aren't you looking at me...?"_

_"W-What...? Um, I-"_

_"Look at me."_

_Jongho abides by the command immediately._

_He feels trapped in the space between the man and the door but doesn't move in fear of invoking the other's anger._

_The man raises a hand and Jongho flinches away. He smiles warmly at the reaction and rests his large palm on the other's head. "Good boy. That wasn't so hard was it?"_

_Jongho feels his cheeks flush at the words of praise. He eagerly shakes his head, feeling his heart flutter when the man coos at the action._

_The large hand caresses his hair and Jongho sighs at the comforting touch. Maybe the man isn't angry at him. He feels stupid for telling his parents in the first place. It was an overreaction. How could he endanger his safe place like that?_

_The hand slides down to his cheek. Jongho shutters his eyes closed and leans into the touch. The man's hands are so warm that he feels himself being lulled into sleep._

_The hand removes itself soon after and Jongho whines at the loss of contact._

_Then, two hands snap up to his neck and squeeze._

_Jongho lets out a startled sound and shoots his eyes open. The grip only becomes tighter and he gags. Jongho's own hands snap up to pull away the vices that constrict his airflow._

_"What are you-" He coughs in a struggle to breathe. "Stop-"_

_"Don't tell on me again. Understand?" The man's voice is unforgiving and scary. Jongho's eyes widen and he scratches frantically at the other's hands._

_"Jongho. Do you understand me?" The grip gets so tight that Jongho can barely get a word out. Tears prick in his eyes._

_He nods wildly, desperate for air._

_"Words, Jongho." The boy let's out a choked sob when the man doesn't let up._

_"I-" He gasps. "under-" The man watches him with an unbothered expression, waiting for him to get the full sentence out. "I understand."_

_The man narrows his eyes at Jongho's flailing figure. A tear tracks down his face when he realises the man won't stop choking him._

_"I'm sorry-- sorry." Jongho bites down hard on his lip when he finally realises what the man wants._

_"Jong is so'ry!"_

_Jongho is dropped to the floor in a pathetic heap. His hands cradle his abused throat and incessant coughs force their way out of his mouth._

_A beat passes before the man joins him on the ground. Jongho whimpers and scampers backwards but the man sushes his cries and lays a comforting - restricting - hand on his back._

_"Shh, its okay, baby. Its okay." He let's out a sigh as if dealing with a child who'd just thrown a tantrum. "I didn't want to have to do that, but you left me no choice. You made me do it."_

_The man brings his hands up to the other's face and Jongho watches the limbs move with wide and haunted eyes, wondering what they would do next._

_"N-no. P'ease."_

_"Shh." The man places a kiss on his forehead. And the burn that's imprinted there, for some reason, calms him. "I won't do it again, okay? Just don't make me mad."_

_Jongho nods eagerly. He likes this gentle, comforting side of the man much more. It's his fault that he had gotten angry in the first place._

_"Okay let's go and play now. That'll make me really happy."_

_Jongho perks up and offers a bright smile. "O'kay." He shouldn't make hyung mad again._

* * *

Jongho raises a trembling hand to his neck. It definitely wasn't the last time something like that happened with that man. His fingers trace the ghost of a handprint on his nape. 

"H-He choked you?!" Yunho's eyes are blown wide.

His fingers run gingerly along his neck. "It was bruised for a week. I had to cover it up so my parents didn't notice."

Seonghwa looks like he's about to be sick. "God, Jongho..."

He looks away from the eldest's horrified face.

"If I told my parents about him _choking_ me, there's no way he'd be able convince them otherwise, right? Especially since I had the bruises to prove it. For something that extreme they'd definitely have to take my side." Jongho eyes burn with fresh tears. "B-But, hyung, I was _so, so_ scared. What if they didn't believe me? What would he do to me, then?"

Jongho trembles. "But it was fine because they were right there. Ugly and purple and decorating my neck in the shape of his hands. So even if I didn't say anything, I felt safe knowing if he ever went _too_ far... If something happened that was just too much, then I could show them."

Jongho hugs his shaking body, almost clawing at his arms in an attempt to hold himself together. "But before I knew it they healed. And my way out was gone. I was trapped again."

"Fuck, I..." Wooyoung lets out a sob that he'd obviously tried to hold back. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jongho."

San moves to hug the boy whose tears are already running down his face, but Wooyoung shakes his head in rejection, his distraught expression showing that he can't handle being touched right now.

"I'm sorry, hyung. I didn't mean to make you upset." Jongho takes in a shaky breath. "I can stop if you-"

"No...! No, please don't." Wooyoung interrupts desperately. "You want to share it and we all want to hear. Please don't stop just because of me."

Jongho nods and looks at the other for permission before continuing. "I couldn't tell my parents and he was the only one who knew. Eventually, I started to rely on him more and more." Jongho laughs bitterly. "He was the only one who hurt me and he was my only comfort."

"He knew that and used it to his advantage."

* * *

_Jongho frowns at the bruising around his wrist. The man grins at him and kisses the pain away._

_But Jongho keeps a pout on his face and the man finally acknowledges his sour attitude. "Why are you so upset?"_

_"You 'eally hurt Jong this time." He grumbles out._

_"Really...?" The man questions unsympathetically. Then, after a while he presses down slightly on the purple bruises. Jongho bites his lip, trying not to let out any noise indicating pain. "Why don't you tell your parents, then?"_

_Jongho shuffles uncomfortably. "No! Jong w'ould never...!"_

_The slight pressure on his wrist disappears and Jongho lets out a relieved sigh._

_"Why?" Jongho meets the man's eyes. There's a hint of expectation there. He's testing him. "Why wouldn't you tell your parents?"_

_Jongho's heartbeat picks up fearfully. He needs to say the right thing. "'Cause they wouldn't un'erstand. Hyung only hurts Jong when you're ang'y, but you 'eally love Jong."_

_A boisterous smile graces the man's features. "Correct!" He coos at him. "You're so adorable."_

_Jongho's face feels hot and his heart doesn't cease its erratic beating. He's so glad his answer made hyung happy._

_The man stares at him in thoughtful silence. Jongho can only shuffle awkwardly as the other seems to search for something._

_A hand comes up to cup his cheek. "You really love hyung, don't you?"_

_Jongho nods immediately. Though his hands feel hot and sweaty and he feels incredibly embarrassed at the confession, he wants the man to know how safe he makes Jongho feel._

_"Then... Why don't we play a game?"_

_Jongho hums in agreement, already leaning into the comfort of the man's hand. "What ga-"_

_Lips slam onto his._

* * *

"Fuck...!" Jongho exclaims, body racked in a cold sweat from the recollection of the story. He hides his face in his hands. He can't look at his members' faces for this part of the story.

"Jongho..." It's a horrified whisper. And it's pleading. Pleading that it isn't what they all think it is. 

Jongho groans and shakes his head. He needs to finish. He needs to finish this. Or else he'll never be able to.

* * *

_Jongho freezes on the spot. His child-like mind is not completely able to understand what's happening. But..._

_This is a kiss, right? He knows that much. Its what people do when they like eachother. And he likes hyung. Doesn't this mean hyung likes him?_

_But it feels wrong somehow._

_The man becomes more forceful and his hands start to move up and down Jongho's body. He doesn't seem bothered with the other's lack of response._

_Jongho has always been aware of the size of the man's hands but today, in this moment, they seem to be the scariest they've ever been._

_Jongho is lifted up effortlessly and the man carries him up to his room. He sets him upright on the bed and pushes away the toys that litter the mattress. Jongho watches as the precious items fall haphazardly onto the floor._

_Jongho grips the covers so that each fold of white cloth wrinkles underneath his hands. The man reaches for his shirt buttons. "Jong doesn't t'ink this a good idea-"_

_"Shh, baby. Be quiet and I'll take care of everything."_

_The man's voice sounds like it's coming from underwater but Jongho still recognises it, still follows it. Even though fluid gushes into his lungs and pressure weighs heavy on his body, crushing his existence. Even though it's scary with the foreboding fear of pain, Jongho knows he'd gladly drown for his caretaker. He knows its safer here._

_Without waiting a second longer, the hands fumble to undo his buttons. Jongho feels uncomfortable with the man's flushed complexion and leering eyes and heavy breaths that fall onto his now exposed shoulder._

_The man kisses the skin there and Jongho shudders, g_ _asping for air._

_Jongho pushes him away harshly, the contact of rough lips on his skin dragging him from his dazed regression._

_"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Jongho stands from the bed and backs away from the other. He attempts to tug at the undone ends of his shirt to uphold some sense of decency._

_His hyung glares at him, only having stumbled back slightly when Jongho pushed him. "You weren't exactly complaining."_

_Jongho gapes at him in baffled shock. His hands jolt and cringe in the air either side of his head. He's afraid of the sudden urge to claw at his brain. "I was little! Do you even know what that fucking means?! I couldn't understand what was happening! I can't believe you just tried to do that to me!"_

_Jongho bites back tears. The figure of the man that once brought him tranquility, wavers and withers. The man had always been like an ambiguous, formless mist, one that Jongho had always chose to see as beautiful. Now it feels..._

_Disgusting._

_Jongho can't even describe this feeling of betrayal in words. He storms past the man to get to the door._

_A hand latches onto his wrist and Jongho's body instinctively halts, as if by memory. He's forcefully turned around. The man wears a mocking smile "Where are you going?" And Jongho - again, instinctively - shrinks in on himself. "To tell your parents?"_

_The blood drains from Jongho's face in an instant earning a chuckle from the other._

_"You know they'll never believe you." The man wears the same grin as always. Jongho wants to curse at him for ruining that smile for him forever._

_The man traces his hands along Jongho's bare chest, making him cringe. Seeing his discomfort, the hands roam more feverishly, stopping at times to grip at areas of skin - a point being made of full and undeniable possession. The boy tries to push him away again but freezes when one hand raises to ghost along his nape._

_"Remember, Jongho." The man states in a warning tone. "Don't make me angry."_

_Jongho gulps. "Hyung. I-I'm a minor." He's practically begging for that to be enough reason to be let go. He wants to believe that his caretaker would never really take it that far with him, not like this._

_The man stares at him with an unbothered expression and Jongho's heart halts as realisation dawns on him._

_His heart thumps torturously. It hits his ribs and the pain is excruciating. It clangs, again, and again. And finally..._

_It breaks._

_Jongho runs._

_He manages to catch the other off-guard and gets out of his grip. The distance between him and the door feels years away but Jongho reaches it quickly and slams it open._

_At the speed Jongho scrambles out of the room, he crashes onto the floor in the corridor outside. Jongho lets out a curse but is on his feet within seconds._

_His feet take him towards the stairs, he readies himself to jump but-_

_Hands grab him and slam him into the wall. Jongho cries out at the pain of his back's collision. "No! No, hyung-" They pull him forward then crash him into the wall again. Jongho coughs painfully. "Stop-"_

_Forceful lips silence his words and Jongho has to turn his head to the side to breathe. His chin is grabbed harshly, constraining him to face the man. Lips are pushed back onto his and Jongho sobs._

_When the man parts from him Jongho's legs buckle and he cries on the floor. His fingers and toes curl, his chest heaves, he has no strength to lift up his body._

_Jongho can barely catch his breath. He knows it's stupid to cry over something like this when it wasn't even one of the man's worst intentions, but Jongho sobs in mourning of his first kiss. The most basic, simplest act of intimacy you can share with another person, and his had been stolen._

_The man grabs a fistful of hair and pulls him to stand up. Jongho groans in pain. "Stand up."_

_But Jongho's legs fail him when the man lets go. When his knees knock painfully with the floorboards, Jongho shakes his head and sobs rack his body._

_"I said, stand up!"_

_"I can't...!" Jongho cries. "God, I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't-!"_

_The man grabs him by his arm and pulls him into the room. Jongho lets out a fearful wail._

_He's thrown onto the bed. Jongho tries to crawl back but the man is on top of him immediately. The man's lustful impatience oozes in his touch, in his eyes, in his breaths, in his skin, in his grin-_

_In his everything that Jongho loved. Still loves._

_His hands grip Jongho's thighs and force them apart. The boy gasps and tries to push the other away, but he's already situated himself between his legs. Jongho's eyes blow wide in fear._

_The man slowly starts to r_ _ub himself against him and Jongho yells in protest. "Stop! Please, hyung-"_

_Instead of listening to his pleas, the man picks up the pace at the sound of Jongho's strangled gasps._

_Jongho is forced to feel all it. The clothed hardness that's rubbing against him and the slickness that builds up there._

_The boy cringes at the man's unashamed moans of pleasure. He bites back his own._

_Teeth sink into his nape and Jongho struggles under the weight of the person on top of him. He sucks and bites on the skin there._

_A hand grips at his sides and caresses him. J_ o _ngho gags knowing he always used to lean desperately into that touch._

_Then, the hand reaches lower, to rest upon his crotch._

_"Baby..." The man breathes in a drawn-out moan. "Can't you regress for me?"_ _Jongho's body tenses. He has never felt so sickened by another human being._

 _And yet, he has to stop his head from falling and rising on its own. Jongho is horrified of himself and the incessant need, urge, want to please this man._ _Yes, he wants to make his hyung happy. He knows he would do nything to make his hyung happy._

_But not this; never this._

_In the absence of a response, the hand starts to rub him and Jongho scrambles to get away but the man holds him in place, pushing him to feel the intrusive friction._

_Jongho feebly claws the air to grab the man's arm, but he can't seem to reach it, leaving him to only flail pathetically. His back arches and he sobs out a strangled moan. The man pleasingly groans in response._

_Jongho shudders, mortified. Revulsion coarses through him at the sounds being forced out of him. He feels the urge to vomit._

_"Well done, baby. You're doing so good." The words of praise do nothing but strike at his depleting mentality. He realises , with horror that the praises calm him. Like some false friend, a lurking monster that he practically allowed access into his heart. Jongho cries and yells. Thi_ _s isn't what he wants. He'd never want something like this._

_"Jong doesn't--I don't like this anymore." He sobs at his weak hold on his own regression. "P'ease...! P'ease stop!"_

_"Hyung!" His body runs hot when his pants are being pulled down. He jerks wildly and scratches the man to stop him._

_The humiliation is unbearable when he's finally laid bare and eyes unabashedly leer at his vulnerable figure. Jongho goes to cover himself but the man catches his hands in one of his own and keeps them in a painful hold._

_"Stop struggling." The man says irritantly. "I'll be gentle."_

_His hand runs up and down the inside of his thighs and Jongho squeezes his eyes shut in horror of the unnerving scene._

_This can't be happening._ _Jongho has to say something, anything to make this stop._

_Before he's even able to form a plea in his mind, the feeling of an intrusive digit forces its way inside him._

_Jongho lets out a startled yell and the man chuckles at his fearful expression. "I need to do this to make you comfortable. Just hold on."_

_He struggles to get his hands free and tries to get away in a futile attempt. Jongho realises with dreaded terror, that he won't be able to get away in time; the man would have his way with him. This was something he'd never recover from._

_Jongho cries out in frenzied deleria. "You fucking bastard! I hate- Oh God, I hate you so fucking much." He rushes out his words in a wheezing breath. "You're so sick. You're such a sick freak! I hate you...! I wish I never met-"_

_His remaining curses are choked to a halt when a hand is gripped around his neck and he freezes. In an instant, the fear settles back in his chest and he's back to being a scared little child struggling for a single breath._

_"Why don't you shut the fuck up?"_

_Jongho wants to shout the worst obscenities he can at him. But his fear runs deep and blocks out his voice so all he can do is keep his mouth shut._

_"Good boy." The man hums. "I wanted to be gentle with you, but here you are throwing my kindness back in my face."_

_He rips his finger out of Jongho and the boy cries out in pain. There's a remnant of a burn and it makes him nauseated. "Remember, you made me do this."_

_The man lets go of Jongho's hands, using his own to grip the underside of the boy's thighs and push them up and apart. Jongho pales, he doesn't know what else to do. He's begged, he's reasoned, he's cried, he's sworn._

_Maybe he should've just left it alone, and let the man do what he wanted to from the beginning._

_"So'ry." He sobs. He should've just listened in the first place. He should never have made hyung angry. " 'm so so'ry, hyung."_

_"It's okay, baby." The man sushes him tenderly. "But if I don't hurt you, then you won't learn."_

_Jongho shakes his head, forbidding his tears from running. "P'ease...! p'ease... p'ease... p'ease..."_

_The man shushes him again. The irritation is clear in his harsh voice. But he wears a warm smile and caresses Jongho's cheek._

_In the fog of his terror, Jongho takes the man's warmth, his gentle touch, the smell as honey. He takes it all in as comfort and leans into the other's hand. "P'ease, no m'ore hyung." If the man stopped now, Jongho could forgive him. He knows he could. They could both forget this, and things could go back to the way they were._

_The corners' of the man's eyes turn up in craving. His heavy breaths beacome even more erratic. "Fuck...! Fuck, Jongho...!" His voice shakes as if he's losing all restraint and his body trembles in recklessness. "You look so beautiful like this..." He leans in, letting a horrible utterance hiss into Jongho's ear._

_"Please keep begging until I'm done."_

_The man forces himself inside._

_The boy throws his head back in excruciating pain. His mouth falls open and tears run freely from his eyes. He's unable to speak, or think, or move, or breathe. His hands and feet thrash to find some grounding force - to take his ruined mind away from the horrible agony. But he finds none._

_Jongho screams._

* * *

Jongho slams his hand ontop of his mouth to muffle his sob. He can't say anymore. He can't describe what it felt like, what he went through, how it felt like years before the man finally stopped.

Jongho remembers swearing he would die once it did. 

He curls up on the couch, his hands covering his tear-stricken face. "I had to force myself to be big when he was done so I could run back home."

"Jongho...!" Seonghwa sobs. He seems to have moved forward because Jongho hears him talk right in front of him. "Please... Can you please look up at me?"

Jongho shakes his head. Even if he wants to, the overwhelming shame bows his head low. He pushes his hands harder onto his eyes, until the pitch blackness bleeds with bruises of purple and green. 

Seonghwa sounds like he's crying in front of him. "Jongho, no one here is judging you. I just need you to look at me. Please..."

Hearing the tremble in the other's voice, Jongho hesitantly lifts his head and his heart clenches at the sight he's greeted with.

Seonghwa eyes are red with tears that have run down his cheeks. The others are no better but Mingi and Wooyoung look ready to throw up and Yeosang's entire body is trembling like he's going to collapse.

"Is it okay if..." Seonghwa clears his throat to hide the shakiness of his voice. "Can I hug you?"

Jongho looks down at his trembling hands. "Um, I..." He's about to refuse but then thinks against it. He simply nods.

In an instant Seonghwa wraps his arms around him. The other members carefully join, looking to him for permission first. Jongho expected to feel overwhelmed in the entrapment of arms, but he notices that his members are being gentle with him. Embracing him firmly so he feels their comfort, but holding him softly so he has space to breathe.

In the presence of such a conscious and sincere act of affection, the only thing Jongho can do is cry. He cries and cries, not concerned with the wild hysteria of his breaths or his cheeks that are probably streaked with salty tears.

Despite his members conscious effort to gently console him, Jongho can't bring himself to have the same level of restraint. He grips them tight and claws at their backs and buries his head into their chests, leaving tear-soaked shirts in his wake. 

And even though, Jongho is sure he would find it disgusting to hold someone like him - a person who had insulted their leader, a person who had been the cause to his own ruin - they don't push him away like he wants them to. And Jongho hates them for making him think for even a second that this is okay.

He holds them tighter. 

They show no signs of pulling away from him, so Jongho knows he has to be the one to make the move. He retracts his arms slowly and stubbornly, dragging them back as if the air is gripping at him to stay in place. 

It's by habit that Jongho digs his finger nails into the flesh of his hand. Though subconscious, it works effectively in hindering him from entertaining their embrace any longer (and in punishment for doing so in the first place).

Seonghwa rests his hand above Jongho's closed fist and taps at it patiently. The boy stares at the hand placed above his and waits for the other to wrench his hand open in scolding. But Seonghwa simply taps it again and Jongho scoffs, before opening his hand and letting the eldest take hold of it.

Seonghwa frowns at the markings on his palm, telling of self-inflicted pain. He chooses to hold the back of the hand. Then, he brings it up and places it on Jongho's cheek, and above lies his own hand that rests there amiably.

"Baby-" Seonghwa starts, but then cuts himself off. He grapples his hand back down to his side with enlarged eyes.

For a second, Jongho looks at Seonghwa and his trembling hands questionably. Why did he look like he'd done something unforgivable?

_"Baby..." The man breathes in a drawn-out moan._

_Oh._

Jongho takes Seonghwa's hand into his and brings it up to his cheek again. He wears what he hopes is a reassuring smile. 

"It's okay." Jongho gulps down the knot that clogs his throat at the memory. "I know... I know you're not him."

Jongho could never honestly say his words were the absolute truth: whether he knew that the man and his members were separate and different entities. In fact, it was more lie than truth when more occasions than one his members faces morphed and formed into the very phantom that plagued his dreams. Or when he'd feel content sitting alone with one of them before his brain suddenly ran on overdrive of all the possible dangers and he had to be aware of how he sat, spoke, breathed.

How could he know for sure when that man was also someone he called 'hyung' so endearingly? 

But the daunting look on Seonghwa's face at the possibility of recalling Jongho's trauma is too much. Jongho instinctively feels the need to reassure him that everything is fine.

The other searches his eyes with wariness. He flickers his gaze from the area where their hands rest on Jongho's cheek to his eyes repeatedly, before nodding with pursed lips. Jongho inwardly curses knowing despite his efforts, Seonghwa's slip-up is definitely one that will weigh heavily on him.

Yeosang seems to sway, still recovering from the brunt of what he'd heard. "Did you... Have you told anyone except us?" His words come out in a sharp whisper, bordering on that of a hiss. It sounds too expectant of him, like the yearning of a prayer.

Jongho inhales air that is too dense and it sits in his lungs heavily, weighing him down so he bows his head to the ground. His head feels full of lead when he shakes it side to side.

Wooyoung's mouth falls open and Jongho thinks he's going to shout. "Why...?!" But Wooyoung's voice omits a horrified whisper. "When he... He did that to you...?"

Jongho stares stagantly. His eyes follow every tremor of Wooyoung's shoulders and he can't bring himself to look away from his shaking hyung. Facing the other's anger would've been better than... this.

"I'd hurt them."

His parents. Jongho doesn't want his parents to know the cage they'd unknowingly locked their very own inside. That kind of cruel knowledge would do nothing but ruin them. He didnt want to be the cause of their suffering.

And Jongho doesn't want to have to hate them. If he's exposed to their guilt, guilt that would ooze from their pores and contaminate their surrounding. Guilt he'd have to live in, breathe in. And as if they were the ones in the wrong, Jongho's own self-loathing would transfer to them. It'd be easier that way. He's just that selfish.

Jongho can't say all that in words. He doesn't want to have to. But his members look at him with weary, dull eyes, as if they carried his burden with him, as if their eyes could mirror his own. But unlike his, theirs are hopeful, expectant, concerned. They want him to tell them all his woes - unravel and expose himself to be left raw and vulnerable.

Jongho shivers and flickers his gaze away. They expect too much of him.

"I know it's my fault. I know that. Because regressing is-"

"It's not."

The ground where his feet are planted seems to tilt. Jongho swears he stumbles and he wants himself to fall. He doesn't care where to, he just wants to disappear. 

"W-What?"

Hongjoong looks undettered repeats it. "It's not your fault. Regression or not." His eyes are steely and Jongho falters in the honesty that swims within them. He can't bring himself to understand what those words mean so he chooses to discard them completely.

"How can you say that?! When you've heard everything, how can you say something like that?!" After everything Jongho said. When it's so obvious that he had been the one to dig his own grave. That he is the sole one that should have to lay in it. Let himself be buried in soil and choke and gag on it because it was all his fault-

Jongho doesn't know when he had stood up. But the sensation of his brain rattling in his skull and his heart beating like its going to rip out his chest takes his breath away. The reaction stands out so starkly to him and he dares not put a name to it, but he knows what he's feeling. Hope.

Hongjoong's eyes narrow as if they're going to pierce his soul. Jongho almost gasps at the painful blade. He wonders if the other knows how his brain's pulsing, how his heart's slamming into his ribs, how his bones are chattering in expectation. Or maybe he's feeling that same hopeful feeling.

"If it was any of us, what would you do?"

Jongho's foot takes a pace back at the mention of such a scenario. He can't pull his wide eyes away but his breath hitches at the possibility.

"N-No. That... It couldn't happen to any one of you." Could it? His members would never be placed in that situation. Or rather he doesn't want to think that could ever happen.

"Why not?" And Hongjoong doesn't raise his voice but Jongho flinches. "Mingi, Wooyoung, _me._ We're all regressors. And it could still happen to any one of us. So, _what_ would you do?"

Jongho eyes burn at the possibility. He wouldn't wish that kind of thing upon anyone, and to think of it happening to his members-

Jongho's heart drops to his stomach. He wants to retch it out.

Hongjoong recedes his intensity after seeing Jongho pale. But the same look stays firmly in his clear, honest (honest, honest, honesty. He's not lying) eyes. 

"Would you blame us?"

Hongjoong asks the question like an answer isn't necessary. But Jongho's gut twists in such a horrifying way that it makes him gasp out and a yell is already forming in his throat. It burns him from the inside out and pushes to be released.

"No!" Jongho's eyes are desperate and he grabs Hongjoong's shirt for even saying something so revolting. "T-to blame you?! That'd be too cruel-" 

"So why do you think we'd do that?" It's such a simple question but it's the final push that turns his world upside down, spinning uncontrollably on it's axis. "Do you think we're that cruel?"

Jongho's grip on the fabric of the other's top slackens. Lead pumps into his body and makes his fingers numb so he can't feel how the material's folds loosen.

Hongjoong's hands are cool when they touch both sides of his cheek. Jongho's blistering hot skin shivers at the contrast and he can only stare. His ears strain to catch every audible sound that falls from the leader's lips. 

"So why are you being so cruel to yourself, Jongho?" 

His mouth falls open jerkily, as if body spasms in earnest to answer the question. "Because..." Jongho's mouth feels dry and it urges him to tell a lie. But Hongjoong eyes are sincere and genuine, purposeful so that Jongho believes his every word. Jongho can't throw that kind of vulnerability back in his face. "Because..." 

Because if it wasn't his fault, then who's was it? He was the one who kept coming back. He was the one who made himself vulnerable by regressing. He was the one who failed to get out. He had practically asked for it. 

_The arm that are snaked around him tighten their hold so much so that they digs into his skin._

_Jongho blinks._

_His eyes hone in on a stuffed rabbit that sits on his discarded clothes that lay haphazardly on the floor. He recognises it. It was a simple gift given awkwardly by his mother; the first time his preference for children's toys had truly been discovered._

_Her hands had shook when she held it out to him and her gaze shuttered to every direction, as if she was unsure if he'd slap the absurd thing out of her hold._

_The sight of his mother anxiously waiting as she held the ugliest plushie he'd ever seen - with its beady eyes, uneven ears, and green fur that looked much like vomit - made Jongho laugh. It was an attempt to hide the tears that formed in his eyes. He shyly took it from her hands and wrapped his arms around it in a loving fashion. He hoped his smile said all the things he wanted it to._

_Despite her awkward wringing fingers and nervous gaze that showed confusion, not full understanding, Jongho took the gift as an acceptance. One that showed his parents could love him, all of him._

_The body presses up to his back, purposefully, to remind his wandering mind where he is._

_Jongho blinks._

_The beady eyes stare back at him._

_The pressure of another person at his back - its not supposed to be there - sears his being. Jongho lets it, hoping to be enveloped in flames that would decimate every part of him, all that he is. Even his ashes wouldn't be left behind._

_Jongho blinks._

_His hyung._ _The man. That person leans into his ear and exhales so that breath picks his skin. Jongho hopes to God the other won't speak._

_"You were practically begging to be fucked, baby." His mouth recedes from his ear and latches onto his nape. It sucks and kisses there. Like a leech._

_The stuffed rabbit bows down and rolls forward, averting its eyes._

"I..." Jongho feels ridiculous for his lack of words. He knows it. He knows the answer already.

And Hongjoong is waiting. He's waiting for an answer. Jongho just needs to tell him.

_The door only makes the sound of a click when it shuts and Jongho still jumps. He lets out a wince, choking out the scream that almost wrenches from his throat._

_Jongho trembles and staggers to the side. He doesn't think of where the pain comes from. It's his entire body that hurts._

_He hears chatter emitting from the living room and his heart jostles. His feet act before his mind does._

_Jongho's knees knock against each other and he almost collapses to the floor, but his feet don't stop or falter._

_All he has to do is say the words, his words. He needs to say the words, for his own sanity._

_Even if his body is screaming in protest, even if his mind is cracking away in ruins, as long as he holds it together to explain, everything will be alright. If it's his parents, then of course-_

_"Jongho!" His father spots him before he can even form the words that are dying to be released. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"_

_The words falter in his throat._

_"----------- called. He said you got angry then stormed out of his apartment..."_

_Jongho ears mellow out his mother's disappointed voice. The sounds around him garble like he's under water._

_They've talked to him. Jongho realises with terror, with dread._

_His heart floats like the water had leaked to his insides, and decided to reside in his chest._

_They were going to take his side again._

_Jongho claws for the words to stay rooted on his tongue. He just needs to be confident. Just this once. Tell them._

_"... Going back. And you'll apologise immediately."_

_The words wither slowly._

_"Wha- No...! No! Dad I can't!"_

_"Why not?!"_

_Jongho stills. This is his chance. The words are there, withering and dying but there, he can say it now. He needs to._

_"I don't need to regress anymore!"_

_Coward. You fucking coward._

_"So I don't need to see him again."_

_He speaks in dreadful lies._

_Jongho drags air through his teeth in a shudder. But he doesn't believe that he's completely missed his chance. There's no way his parents will believe the obvious lies he's just blurted. They'll pull it apart in an instant and demand the truth. And Jongho will strip himself bare to them. That's how it should be. He has no worries. He shouldn't have any. They're his parents._

_"Really...?"_

_His mother's voice. Its barely audible. But the air carries it to him. Like an evil harboger it sounds the words at his ears and cackle before flowing away. He hears it. Quiet but so loud._

_Hope._

_No... His words... His words are..._

_A pressure weighs on his chest that makes Jongho stumble. He lets out a laugh in disbelief._

_"Tell me Jongho, is it really true?"_

_His father who had been raging a second ago, clasps his shoulder in urgency. Jongho gasps. It hurts there. Why does his body hurt so much?_

_His mother rushes to his side and takes his hand. She clasps it so it aches. He wants to snatch his hand back. He doesn't want to hear what she has to say._

_"Jongho... Are you really fixed?"_

_And with his mother's simple words, his own are demolished._

_Jongho feels himself dissociate from his body. It isn't him, but the hands of a phantom that pull his swollen and bitten and abused lips into a reassuring smile. The phantom claws his hair with talons, breaking the skin there and forcing him to nod. In Jongho's blurred vision, the blood that drips from his scalp is his only clarity._

_The phantoms that wear the masks of his parent's faces smile. He swears he sees tears in his mother's eyes._

_Jongho slowly, sluggishly removes his hand from his mother's grasp and grabs her wrists. He realises, with horror, that he want to hurt her._

_Jongho holds her hands gently._

_His mind flashes back to the stuffed rabbit that would now rot away in the room that Jongho dared not return to._

_"Why did you give it to me, then?" Why did they let him think even for a second that they accepted him the way he was? "Why...? Why? How could you...?"_

_Her face is confused and the depths of Jongho's mind echoes a laugh. Of course she didn't understand. After all, Jongho had only ever seen what he'd wanted to see._

_Her fake smile that faltered when she saw him hold the plush close to him. The way her eyes flitted around to see if anyone was watching. The way her fingers curled with disgust at the sight of it all. Nauseated at the appearance of her freak of a child._

_They had never really accepted him. Not at all. Jongho had known that from the beginning._

_He had always cried about their hate of him to his hyung, his caretaker, his safe place. And the man would hug him and hold him and tell him that it was going to be okay. He'd told Jongho that he was the only person in the world that would accept him. That he was the only one who'd never betray him._

_Jongho feels himself breaking from the inside out and finds himself wanting to return to the man's safe, gentle, loving hold._

_But it wasn't safe there anymore was it?_

_By some unknown power, Jongho manages to move away from his parents and headsupstairs to his room._

_He realises, in the enclosed darkness of his room, that the pain of his abuse feels that much stronger._

_(He collapses with a cry.)_

_The ghost of hands on his body feel much more physical._

_(He claws at his skin.)_

_The truth of his rape weighs that much heavier._

_(He smashes his mirror and trashes his room)_

_And now he has no one to tell._

_He breathes in the wreckage of his room and can't see the difference between it and his mind. Spots cloud his mind and vision as he gives into the pain._

_Jongho screams_

"... Not mine..."

Hongjoong nods even though Jongho's words barely made sense.

"I-It was them. Never m-me. It was them." Jongho clasps onto Hongjoong to breathe.

"Them. My mum, my dad, the man. It wasn't me. My fault- It wasn't me-"

Hongjoong holds him. This time without restraint. Its tight, painful and Jongho can barely breathe. 

It's everything Jongho needs. 

His legs give out and Hongjoong, like a pillar, stands steady.

"It wasn't me, hyung! I-It wasn't my fault!" He buries his face into the other's chest. Jongho doesn't stifle his cries. He couldn't even if he wanted to.

"I never asked for it! I didn't want it!" He gasps out his sobs. "He... How could it have been my fault?!"

"It wasn't." Hongjoong states like it's the most simple thing in the world. "It could never-"

Jongho is surprised to hear the other's sob. When he looks up, Hongjoong's face is streaked with tears. Had he been crying the entire time?

Jongho buries his head into Hongjoong's neck and cries harder. The others join in aswell and he coughs out a laugh. 

He's told someone. He's finally told someone. The words that had been so violently trampled before they had been given the chance to exit his throat. They've finally reach another person's ears. He now has people to rely on. People who'll accept him. 

Jongho's heart clenches in painful telling. He loves them.

They stand there crying for what seems like years. And they hold each other for even longer.

But when it's all over and they're sat in a pile - no one saying a word but knowing not to let go of each other - Jongho breathes and finds himself happy that the air comes to him easier. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been in my drafts for weeks. I honestly finished it ages ago but I kept overthinking about whether it conveyed enough feeling and emotion, especially since this is the last chapter that reveals everything. The situation being described is serious and I felt a bit pressured to write it for the trauma that it is. So yeah, it's been tweaked alot.
> 
> I really hope it's not confusing but I'll explain just in case. Jongho's parents never really accepted him no matter how much he wanted them to. He let himself imagine they did at times. It seems like, with the man and with his parents, Jongho has a habit of believing that people in his life are good and always will be, often for his own sanity.i just used the symbolism of the toy rabbit to show that. Hopefully it was good? 
> 
> It's because of the lack of support from his parents that Jongho relied so heavily on the man. The reason why he forgave him no matter what he did is because Jongho knew he had no place to return to, at least no other place that would accept him for who he was, a little.
> 
> In the end, Jongho has been conditioned to accept and yearn for the man's love but he had never expected it to be so twisted in reality. Even after what happened, Jongho wants to be comforted and held by the man. I wanted to show just how much his parents negligence of their child, pushed him to become dependent on such a manipulative and toxic human being. 
> 
> I left the man as 'the man' for ambiguity. I felt like putting a name to the face would draw attention away from the character I wanted to create. An abusive rapist. I also wanted to show the obsession the man had with Jongho in little space. Little Jongho was vulnerable, trusting, easier to control and due to the possessive side of the man, he preferred this version of Jongho.
> 
> Either way, the fact that Jongho in littlespace was the thing that the man loved so much to the point of talking about it while he abused Jongho, there's no way Jongho would be able to regress without feeling sick or being reminded of that situation. The fact that it had made him so vulnerable for that to happen, the need to avoid having another caretaker and the rejection of his parents along with that is what forced Jongho to completely reject being a little. 
> 
> I hope that explains things. Sorry if it was confusing. Just so you know, Jongho obviously hasn't gotten over it completely and there will obviously be times where he wavers in the belief that what happened was not his fault, but he's using his members as support right now - not yet in the right mindset to do otherwise - so the ending is to signify that they'll help him and be there for him.
> 
> Thank you for reading x


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